“My first WTF” desperation day

I think it is only relevant to post this article (and title) because of my yesterday’s one.

Today I felt like the dumbest person on earth. In fact, I must have been that one for a few hours. After a successful start of the day, upgrading a couple of outdated dependencies and pushing another PR (#win), I was like “hell yeah, bring it on” mode. And my colleague did bring it on. Only that when he brought it on, it felt like this

And I’m pretty sure that at some point, it turned out to be like this

And then freeze. Literally freeze. This is when the impostor syndrome kicks in, I start questioning my own intelligence and capabilities, I wonder why am I here, I should reveal my “true” self. Bla bla bla. For a moment, I hated my life. Strong words. But real for that time being.

And that moment, I was embarrassed to ask for help – because I asked already a zillion of times. I stand up, and I go for a coffee. I even treat myself with a praline cookie to sweeten my mood. I return to my desk and I say with lots (?) of confidence “ok I have a couple of questions because I feel lost”. Simple as that. My colleague – full of patience as always – helped me get unstuck and then I had the control again. Only for a bit before I entered in a non-stop loop without even realising. And I stared at my screen, and chewed a straw and chew it again – like a giraffe showing off her biting ability.

 

Some days aren’t gonna be that good. Some days things won’t click. We all know that. Do we really accept it? Or do we beat ourselves up? We need to recognise when this happens and aggressively change our environment; change location (in or out the office), take a break and/or some calories, change the way to communication, ask for different means of help, seek for a different direction. Try to figure out what makes the current environment faulty. And what makes oneself less effective.

With these thoughts and lessons  I’m saying bye bye to today. I feel blessed for having this growth opportunity lying before my eyes and being fed to grow. Tomorrow will be better ❤

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